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i make it dirty. dirty ya heard me
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25th-Nov-2010 02:20 am(no subject)
cigarette girl
wish i had something to write about.
14th-Oct-2010 09:33 pm(no subject)
red lips
I'm back from the hospital and I feel really good. I dunno if it's my new medication or if I just needed a break from home but I'm glad I'm feeling happy. I hope it lasts. Even though I hated staying there for some reason I was always in a good mood. I think a break is what I needed. I feel so stupid for taking those pills, as soon as I did it I regretted it. I know I don't want to die, just sometimes I feel like I do. I guess it was just a cry for help.
I missed my laptop and my cat and my wii so much, I'm never doing that again. I promise myself.
I need to do something structured that makes me feel like I'm worth something. When I get a job I'm going to go to CCAC and take a writing class or something. And work very hard at it. I've never worked hard for anything in my life and I need to teach myself how. I just hope these good feelings last or I won't be able to do it. My friend Julia is so awesome, she always encourages me and inspires me. I love her so much. I'm glad I have people like that in my life.
I gained 5 pounds in the hospital (breakfasts were soooo good) but I'm not gonna let it get me down, I can lose it quick and I'll continue to lose more.
I've been kinda bad the past few days but we don't have any more sweets and I'm going to philly this weekend so I'll be buying my own food and I think that'll help. I really can't wait to go I love being around my friends. I love them and they support me. I need to remember all the people in my life when I'm feeling down and remember how much they care about me.
I need to get my life on track.
27th-Sep-2010 01:01 am(no subject)
cigarette girl
i don't know what i want. do i want people to care? do i really want to die? i think i just want to go away. i'm an idiot. i just took a bunch of pills. i dont really care what happens either way.
why am i so pathetic?
why am i so scared?
why cant i do something with my life?
why do i have to be me? why couldnt i be someone else? why do i have to be so miserable?
i hate being me, i hate myself so much, i do want to die. i dont deserve to live. my life is a fucking waste. no one cares about me. everyone always has something to say to me but no one ever asks me what im thinking or how i feel, they dont give a fuck. why should they? im nothing but wasted space. i have nothing. im alone. no one will help me. everyone fucks me over, even my own mother. everyone treats me like i dont matter. theyre probably right. i dont matter. so why am i alive?
26th-Sep-2010 09:57 pm(no subject)
cigarette girl
My mom came home with ice cream and cookies, fuck my life. I'm fucked. I probably won't be losing any weight all week. I just cant control myself when that shit is in the house. The pumpkin cookies are SO GOOD UGH.
In other news... there is no news. I'm getting a pap smear tomorrow. Isn't my life exciting?
Oh I also have a meeting with someone from OVR on friday, hopefully they help me get a nice job. I desperately need one.
25th-Sep-2010 03:46 pm(no subject)
cigarette girl
I hate my mom so much I'm going to hurt her one day.
24th-Sep-2010 09:12 pm(no subject)
cigarette girl
there is no point in me being alive and no one can tell me there is. i hate that i'm so scared to kill myself. i'm so tired of being miserable all the time. i have no interests, i dont do anything all day, i don't feel anything, im just an empty shell. what's the point?
22nd-Sep-2010 03:45 pm(no subject)
cigarette girl
I'm alone.
25th-Jul-2010 12:44 am(no subject)
Don't worry, Gaga will help you
Last weekend Stetson came down and we drank some ~*brewskies*~ with his cousin and hung out. Blake and Gigi came down that night and I spent the night with them because my mom wouldn't come pick me up. The next day I did A LOT of shopping with Blakey and mom, I got some cute stuff and it was awesome. We all went to see Inception that night and of course I'm going to say it was good because it was. Anyways I studied for my permit test all week and took it today (well technically yesterday) and I passed! It was insultingly easy, they must have really dumbed it down because there's no way anyone could fail that test. All common sense questions. Did a bit more shopping and I think I'm good on that, all I need is bras and I saw some cool ones on ebay I might get. I dunno though, I'd rather get one good quality bra at a time rather than six bras that are gonna fall apart in 6 months. We'll see I guess. I already have 2 good ones anyway and it's not like I leave the house a lot. That's right, I have 2 bras that fit for the first time in god knows how long. I can't remember the last time I had a bra that fit right. I also got some contacts today!! I'm so excited, I HATE my glasses. I look so much better without them. After that my mom and I went to dinner and it was nice. Now I'm home and packing because my sister and Adrienne are coming to get me tomorrow and we're gonna go so Rasputina and head off to Buffalo. I'm so glad I'm taking this vacation, I need it. I need to get away from this place, it'll do me some good.
14th-Jul-2010 12:35 am(no subject)
cigarette girl
I love this album.
I got a new headset and my music sounds amazing.
I think I'm getting a bit thinner but I wish I would just hurry up and lose this weight already. just 6 more fucking pounds. I might even go for 135. But today I had subway and stuffed myself, why do I do this? I need to learn some self control big time. I hope all the working out I'm doing makes up for it. I wish I could use the elliptical for longer but I can only go for 20 minutes maybe 30. I don't know what's wrong with me.. I've been using that thing for a few weeks now so I should have more stamina right? I think maybe it's my iron levels so I'm going to get that checked out tomorrow. I'm also going to get my permit form filled out. IM SO EXCITED. I need to start studying now, I need to get my permit ASAP. Man if I manage to do this I think I might actually be really proud of myself for once in my life. Really proud like I accomplished something. I've never felt that way before. Graduating highschool? That was a joke. This is something I'd actually have to work for. If anyone reads this please send me some good vibes.
30th-Jun-2010 08:39 pm(no subject)
cigarette girl
Today I had soup, salad, a 90 calorie hot dog and 10 calorie jello.
I'd say I did pretty good.
Well, 2 cups of coffee too, I need my coffee.
I'm starting to talk to some of the girls in group a bit during break, it's nice to talk to people face to face once in a while, especially ones that have similar problems as me.
I really need to stop with the self inury I really do, it's getting scary. The past 2 days I did it at first because I was upset then I just kept doing it like it was for fun or something. I'm really going to try to stop but I don't know what to do when I'm feeling really emotional. Talking to someone doesn't usually help, the only thing I know of that helps is cutting. I feel great and it's wonderful when I'm feeling so miserable I hate feeling that way.
Anyway, I'm doing good today I hope it stays that way for a while. I lit some lavender incense and painted my toenails sparkly blue. It's purdy. I think I may take a shower and put on my bath and body works stuff, my therapist told me to do some self soothing, I think it's a good idea.
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